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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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6:45 am
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its funny how the world can go. how ur views can be so drastically changed within a space of just a few hours. not even a full day, just a period of time where u are exposed to the twised turnings of a society where u exist within ur own head and simultaneously exist outside of it but only u are privy to the turnings of both. where u realize that noone else can fully understand what kind of person u are and u cannot fathom the workings of those around you. I remember the feeling that people cared about me and that was warm but that goes and then you are left with yourself. It always comes back to yourself. Is that too introspective? Too self centred/self aware. Should i care less about myself and more about those around me? Am i that afraid of losing myself if im not constantly trying to keep track of my private universe. Am i that conceited to think that it is a universe? not just a small patch of grass that is struggling to be valid. How appropriate that greenery and fences can both be used within this cheesy fantasy explanation.
Should i try new things? Should i limit myself to those things which i know are good for me? I dont know. I try to and its fun but where does it go? I always find flaws. Flaws that envelope and destroy the purity that was there before. But i wonder, do i create these flaws? coz they arent there in the first exposures. They seem to grow with a life of their own to twist and confine my ability to accept. And if i cant accept, i reject. And when i reject i always reject.
There are things though which i havent rejected that i try to but cant. These are the factors of my life, however brief and seemingly inconsequential that i may have dallied with, that seem to pervade my thoughts and make me wonder the what ifs. What if i had shown my inner world to the outer? What if people had seen what i was thinking and known my true intentions. Would things have been different? Would i be in a different situation? Or would it have followed the same routine that i am so accustomed to these days. The cycling of emotions and actions and inevitably reversing myself back to the same base state that i find myself happiest in. The state of being emotionally independant and refusing to allow oneself to explore anything other because of a fear of being unable to remain happy. Is that curse, that seems to be a fear of so many, that i am happiest in this state that others would do anything to be out of. People do not seem to understand that i dont care if i am introverted in this particular way.
In other news, hungry
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(See some caries?)
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| Thursday, July 20th, 2006
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12:47 pm
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I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
Im looking out and
Is this my life im wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures i'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
I see the boy I wanna be
Riding bare back, carefree along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free ee
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
wild horses I want to be like u
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like im longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Breaklessly abandoning my self before u
I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel
wild horses I want to be like u
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like im longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
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(See some caries?)
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| Saturday, July 8th, 2006
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7:59 pm
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| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
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8:03 pm - Sydney Trip
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Ok, probably my one and only LJ entry for my time in Sydney. It can only be described with one word:
FANBLOODYTASTIC
Honestly, im not going to look at perth the same way anymore except as a temporary place to stay until i finish my degree. Its amazing how much more i feel at home in the heart of the Sydney CBD than i do back in Perth. The shopping is great, the people are surprisingly much more friendly and i have not felt shit once this entire trip. I love being mistaken for a Sydney-ite by other tourists.
And the scene..... Well lets just say its a totally different experience. The guys are nicer, are more outgoing, lack the whole circle of bitch that seems to pervade the perth scene and i actually smile a whole lot more when im out there. I havent felt the limitations that i didnt even know were constraining back in perth. I actually feel comfortable thinking to myself, fuck what other people think, there are so many people here that it doesnt matter what you say or do in terms of what other people think. Its only about being happy with yourself and if i can manage that here, then i have grown by coming out here.
Now for the materialistic. SHOPPING. MY gododododod. Can you say a 9 storey david jones devoted ENTIRELY to men. Thats right, ENTIRELY!! and its run with the idea of the materialistic in mind so it appeals to me on every level. And thats one of only a limitless supply of stores, boutiques and other random little side streets. And i always love a good haggling in chinatown.
There are going to be a lot of memories coming out of the wood works here. And a new perspective of what i want out of life and what i can possibly get.
There may be a horizon in the distance but there is always something beyond it waiting.
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(3 DMFT | See some caries?)
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| Monday, June 19th, 2006
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9:05 pm
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Only 6 days until Sydney!! and im working like mad to get extra money, im even doing planograms for general merchandise on friday for 8 hours, even though i dont know what the hell that is. something to do with designing the layout of the shelves in the store. prepare for some twisted pathways for customes to walk to get everything they want.
My god, the shopping, think of the shopping, THE SHOPPING!!!!!
excuse me while i mentally fritz at the idea of the shopping. I can hear the swiping of the card and the rustle of plastic bags already.
Am i too materialistic? probably. Do i care? Probably not. Least i have a hobby and there are more unhealthy ways to pass the time.
In the meantime, i have to put up with absoultely rude people who spit at me while im trying to explain to them that they are not entitled to get a refund on something they havent paid for. The glamour of customer service is absoultely unrivaled.
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(See some caries?)
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9:00 pm
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Jimmy, its schitck.... when you put in the report about the stick, make it always....Thankyou!
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(See some caries?)
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| Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
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9:02 pm
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| Thursday, June 8th, 2006
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12:25 pm
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This is the blog that doesnt end, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started writing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue writing it forever just because
This is the blog that doesnt end, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started writing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue writing it forever just because
This is the blog that doesnt end, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started writing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue writing it forever just because
and you know the rest.
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(See some caries?)
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| Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
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12:42 pm
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Why even bother giving us exams if you are just going to recycle the exact same questions every year when you know that we have the past exam papers (even though technically we arent meant to but one hand washes the other). Is it just coz they cant be bothered or is it coz their time is much better spent utilizing what they know to help the overwhelming patient demand rather than coming up with new ways to test how good our short term rote learning memories are.
Not that im going to not study or anything, it just seems a little bit pointless when the testing isnt really testing our capabilities as diagnostic clinicians, just our ability to image associate.
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(See some caries?)
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| Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
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1:57 pm
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Why cant there be normal people out there? Why cant there be people who dont feel the need to act up to the stereotypes of queendom. Or make the choice to not smoke. Or dont get ego boosts off being able to say no to people.
Or maybe the question is why do i find fault so easily in people. Am i that disillusioned with the entire male gender? Not excluding myself of course. It seems to be just that much easier to find problems than it is to find solutions. And its harder to come to terms with the concept that sometimes there is no solution. That sometimes you just have to accept the fact that some things just should not be and tear your attachments away from that once solid geography.
And you find people that empathize with you and you appreciate it. But you still feel isolated while in turn feeling their isolation alongside yours and its an odd dichotomy, to feel lost but to also feel it with others around you that feel it too and acknowledge it but still does nothing to alleviate it.
Its the problems of crying for imaginary characters on tv. Its about driving through rain to see an abandoned bicycle on the sidewalk and wondering who decided that walking was so much better. Its about dealing with others who load more problems upon you so that your very spine shrieks in silent frustration.
Its the feeling that its only temporary. That things will change, that there will be something better. But its difficult to know how far to look ahead. Will it be next week? Will it be a fleeting moment of self importance? Will it be a year ahead or two when you life is laid out in front of you.
I used to take comfort in the rain. The soothing patter of rhythmic steadiness. Rain inevitably leads to storms. These are not comforting.
And you wait for the current causative to contact, hoping to make sense out of the insanity.
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(See some caries?)
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| Thursday, May 25th, 2006
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10:54 am
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| Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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4:20 pm
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Life is good :)
Partial Patients are all on the go, all 6 of them :)
Did a composite core for a crown buildup, half way there to meeting my requirements.
Paedo is going well, cruising through the list.
Restorative is excellent, caught up with everyone else there.
Endo is alright, finished root canal treatment on another tooth but not too fussed.
Perio is excellent as well, way ahead of everyone else that i can start to not care if patients begin to cancel, im so going to get ahead and finish everything early :)
Plus personal life is going great too. Im happy with where i stand in life and am content to continue to do so until i graduate :) Inner peace and all that. Its a warm fuzzy feeling :) and im using too many smiley faces, ive got to impose a quota on how many i do.
Plus there are many many many 21sts to look forward to. Only trouble with them is looking for costumes to wear to the themed ones. Usually end up ripping off an idea from a previous birthday and tweaking it until it ressembles originality :P.
As far as i can tell, the only problem in life right now is a stuffy nose. And if thats all i have to complain about, life must be pretty damn good :)
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(1 DMFT | See some caries?)
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| Saturday, May 13th, 2006
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9:16 pm
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Fun little game :)
A - Foreign
B - Hyperactive and damn funny
C - Me
D - Femininity to the extreme
E - Cousin
F - The general mob at the club
G - Irish lass
H - The german
I - Ethnic arrogance
J - Remove the beard
K - Bluntly hilarious
L - Lost friend
M - Flamboyant
N - Puts his foot in it
O - Old friend from across the sea
P - Anal retentive clean freak
Q - Me
R - Fun times / Kink
S - Awesome girl
T - Lets me use him computer
U - and me. we had an opportunity
V - Sleeps around
W - Needs facial disfigurement
X - Rated boys :)
Y - Am i typing this?
Z - Misgivings
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(1 DMFT | See some caries?)
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| Friday, May 12th, 2006
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11:43 am
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The harsh sounds of pens scratching through the wasteland of paper that makes up the hours. The typing of keys clashing with the ambivilant silence surrounding them. Remnant discards of old knowledge and tales wishing to be told but forever more lying dormant in the recesses of the cerebral discard bin. Its the feeling of knowing of a monstrosity lying beyond ones vision. Not breathing or pulsing but nonetheless still alive and waiting.
Its the clouds that come to you when you sleep. Dictating the supremity of those unsaid thoughts above all else that you choose not to acknowledge. The obscurity of the mind being revealed under the cover of pillows and darkness. Forcing you to realize the truths of what exists behind ones eyes. The irony that inevitably results though is the fleeting nature of this enlightenment.
Desire is the causative for the chimeric nature of movement through life. Desire to achieve, desire to please, desire to be pleased. Desire for contentment. Its hunger never abates, always focusing on the empty rather than the full. My life is reflected by my room. Chaos desiring order, needing order but always just pushing the objects of my existance away into the corners. Creating space for what could be but is always refilled by those that i chose to ignore. Light reflecting upon these lost memories. Always there but always not. The decay continues as autumn passes. Giving way into the frozen winter. Preserving them for the possibility of cryogenous rebirthing when i am ready to observe.
The cycling of the day. Old days giving unto the new. The darkness posing as a time for introspection. Or extroversion if the latter is too daunting. If only unadulterated satisfaction was easily attainable. The solution to the complexities that comes with being aware. The interchangable natures of ones self mixing with others. The results that come from the webs of one persons nature intermingling with anothers and the conseqences that arise from this intercourse. Whether it be an incompatibility on one persons side or a joint effort to be completely incapable of creating permanent meaningful connections. Or the possibility that there will be a joining of two tangles into a gold forged chef d'oeuvre. The ultimate attainment of the passionate exemplar duality beyond just a cheap amour.
Until then, the placid outside will be sufficient to pass the time. Working on achieving the desires that plague ones mind. Constructing the half empty frame to be filled when the artist believes that it is ready to be complete. Forcing those around to wait in chagrined anticipation for the self realization.
Sorry, had a lot of stuff on my mind :) Does me good to get rid of it like this. Off to do some shopping now, mothers day just around the bend.
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(See some caries?)
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| Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
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11:18 am
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Heres a dream i had a little while ago. For some reason just remembered it.
Was standing beside a river next to a holiday inn in the countryside with a friend of whom i didnt know his name. Across the river there was an old man in a deck chair wearing pink slippers. He just sits there. Without noticing it, the river starts to surge higher and higher but i continue to stand in that one spot. Then i notice a hill beside me. It is small. I ignore the hill. Then a much larger flow of water rushes into the river but with the consistency of rubble. Looking around there is now nowhere to go to for higher ground. I watch the water levels rise and know i will have to swim.
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(See some caries?)
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| Monday, May 8th, 2006
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10:34 am - No object or person is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, they will not look ugly
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So very very tired :P
Good ortho session, over and done with in record time and nothing more to follow up on
What a weekend! 21st was a whooohooness of fun. Lots of drinking, lots of presents, lots of hugs :) although people cracking onto me was a bit of an annoyance. Prob should go and scar my face or something, its getting on my nerves quite a bit. and no im not being pretentious :P its actually really starting to annoy me that i have to go through the whole "no im not looking for anyone right now" bullshit before i can just be friends with someone. seriously, im not looking for anything. i just want to make friends with people without adding this whole other level of background crap that constantly has to remain in the back of my mind while im talking to people! honestly, if im interested i will show it, if im not, then please keep it to yourself coz it only makes things more difficult. ok now im turning bitchy. hence this will stop. its only coz its happened a couple of times now and is making some friendships very very strained and i dont like it.
I love my new jacket and watch :)
OOh and sexpo was fun. Not the sexually crazed orgasm i pictured it to be but still, very entertaining EXCEPT for the Puppetry of the Penis which i thought was a bunch of hoohah or whatever. The first few were funny, after that the jokes got tired and sameish so i ended up going back into the stands for better entertainment than a guy fondling himself on stage. And my god, im never going to do it but i want to learn how to poledance. Im sure noone else will want to watch me do it :P but its one of those things i put onto my "TO do but never do" lists. And i laughed just a little at the location of the safe sex practises stand which were "conveniently" placed to be hidded by the massive line for people going on the gerbil ride or whatever it was.
stupid weather! will my washing ever dry!!!!
RANDOM JOAN RIVERS QUOTES inspired by last nights performance
- Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
- Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
- I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
- I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
- If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
- Never floss with a stranger.
- She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
- There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
And surprisingly two very deep ones
- No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
- "Where there is a will there is a way." is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
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(See some caries?)
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| Friday, May 5th, 2006
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11:29 am
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You know what makes me crazy?
I'm sorry, can I say this?
You know what makes me nuts?
The fact that we could be together
Here together
Sharing our night
Spending our time
And you are gonna choose someone else to be with
No, you are
Yes, Jamie, that's exactly what you're doing:
You could be here with me
Or be there with them
As usual, guess which you pick
No, Jamie, you do not have to go to another party
With the same twenty jerks you already know
You could stay with your guy on his fucking birthday
And you could, God forbid, even see my show
And I know in your soul it must drive you crazy
That you won't get to play with your little boyfriends
No, I'm not, no I'm not!
And the point is, Jamie,
That you can't spend a single day that's not about
You and you and nothing but you
"Mahvelous" novelist, you!
Isn't he wonderful, just twenty-one
The savior of writing
You and you and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Pushing through windows and bursting through walls
En route to the sky
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(See some caries?)
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| Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
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12:03 pm
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Motivation is the way to go. Motivation in all parts of my life. And its kicking in finally! Was very motivated at work on Saturday. Caught up on 3 months of past paperwork that our past manager convienently left undone in her wake to collie. Poor new manager was stressing majorly on it so i ended up doing all that i could on saturday inbetween the customer complaints about the ineffiency of our rostering system up to the obessive compulsive that i let draw this really complicated doodle of how he thinks our out of code stock should be organized. I am going to make a scrap book of all these diagrams and crap that he gives us just because its so ridiculous but yet i have to be so serious in front of him coz he thinks its so serious a matter that he has to bring it to my attention. But he can be extremely annoying, especially when he forgets his meds that day and decides to follow me around the store spouting out abuse about how crap i am at my job. But he makes the day memorable so its not all a bad thing.
Designated driver on sat. lots of fun. List of all my stops that night to pick up/drop people off ranged from leeming, mosman park, nedlands, floreat, wilson and two suburbs north of mirrabooka that i cant remember coz NOR is so foreign to me. The night was extremely fun too :) helped a friend pick up another girl she has had her eye on for a while, although depressiveness can be a bit of a downer too.
And i was really good with a kid patient yesterday too :) local wouldnt work on her but she really needed a restoration done and she was deathly afraid of the drill. but i was calm and patient etc :) and i got her to calm down enough fo rme to get the filling done and the mother told me i have a way with kids :) although i hate the idea of becoming a paediatric dentist urgh!
planning a trip to sydney in january. any takers? :P its going to be heaps fun!
only 4 days till my birthday!
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(See some caries?)
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| Friday, April 28th, 2006
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12:47 pm
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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliaphobia
What a word. Lol. Sorry to all you people out there that actually have it :)
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(See some caries?)
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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9:22 am
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"Is not atheism merely a different mode of speech from theism? Does not everything depend on anthropology, that is to say, on the problem of the irreplaceable man who is seeking personal identity and can never be free from this search? For if we regard 'God' as the One who by his 'interest' guarantees the infinite value of the subject, by the same token we can also say that this infinite value appears in the consciousness of the individual as an irradicable claim. To realize his true identity is an essential element of man's longing." - Dorothee Sölle, 'Christ the Representative,' p44.
I like that quote, makes me wonder about my own religious beliefs and what i base them upon. Or what i choose to not base them upon.
Why do my patients seem to cancel in droves. Its like they all have a circle of contact that when one is sick, they all decide to get sick together. Its one big holiday away from the dentist. Argh, but i dont get to sleep in coz i still have to make the clinic appearance to say "Yes im still alive and yes im still waiting for them to install beds to pass the time in here"
Im in such an anime drive! i feel urges to watch lots and lots of it. Maybe borrow that set my friend has, i cant remmber the name but ti looked cool. Or at least there were 7 DVDs in the set so at the very least it will pass some time away until the weekend :) Whens the next public holiday dammit!
Not too much longer till my birthday :) not going to do anything big, prob just dinner with some close friends and then hit the spots until im off the wagon once more. cant wait till its rolls around though, my parents are actually going to buy me something, suprise surprise.
BB06 is lookin good :) Sorry sis, but david is off limits for u now hahahaha. And i wish Franz Ferdinand would get out of my head!
Interventions are fun :P especially when its a group intervention. Although it seems that there is discord amongst several friends. People move in different directions it seems and change their opinions of each other. Funny what u miss when u are out of the loop
Wonder where there is a really out of the way, almost noone knows about but exceptionally good foreign restaurant that i can go to and feels all international? anyone? i desperately need to eat :)
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Do you want to? - Franz Ferdinand
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(2 DMFT | See some caries?)
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